COURAGE AND FEAR
I have one core belief and a list of core values/practices that support that one belief. Both are written down. Over the last few days, I have been prompted to examine and re-examine both. Not on the list is courage. I never entertained the thought of courage until last Monday morning. I began thinking about last year, beginning with the second week of October and the invasion of our peaceful, drama free home by prostate cancer and its foot soldiers. Simply, life continues to unfold beyond a diagnosis with a heighten awareness.
One of my first thoughts upon receiving the biopsy results, “Why Us?” Here is a truth that took time to embrace, cancer took away any illusion that I (we) are in control of anything. Doing everything (which is impossible anyway) to not get cancer is not a guarantee that the squatter will not assume unlawful residence in your body. A diagnosis of cancer is a game changer for the affected individual, their household and anyone else who is fortunate enough to embark on the journey with them. Cancer, for me and my village, is a great example of the quote by the German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Some of you may have attributed the words to Kelly Clarkson, a theme in her song, “Stronger.”
Anais Nin says, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” As I reviewed my journals from this period, I clearly identified where courage was on full display in my husband and son beginning with the biopsy results and still identifiable two hundred plus days since proton therapy ended.
Courage is defined as the ability to act in the face of fear, danger, or uncertainty. My husband faced the reality of diagnosis but did not bow to it. Cancer ended a way of life that we had known and was the beginning of a new life filled with uncertainty, difficult choices to make and emotional highs and lows. He methodically processed information and made choices that seemed right for us. He chose to use cancer to expand his life and not shrink it. I identified his courageous behavior while minimizing my behavior with words like supportive and encouraging.
My review of the thoughts and feelings written in the journals, revealed courage as an apropos description of my actions…positive action in the face of fear or uncertainty (this sentence was hard for me to write.) We made decisions together. We were fearful together. Uncertainty did not stop us from moving forward…together. AND we laughed a lot. We still laugh a lot as it is good medicine.
So, I guess I will be adding courage to my list of core values.
Cancer why us? Why not us? Facing a challenge, “why you?” Why not you?
PONDER THIS THOUGHT---Courage is not an action born out of fearlessness but despite it.
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